ok, first you need to get a job at subway, like I did. Has anyone ever ordered a Club Melt? Well, it has bacon. All the meat comes in already cut and wrapped in wax paper. Well, your shit doesn't have to. Put it in a small container under the counter take some of your pretty terds and decorate their club 'smelt.' Make sure the crap looks flat. Make sure your terd is kinda hard too. (bonus:**USE DRY DOG SHIT**). When someone orders the Club 'Smelt,' they'll either get a good wiff, or they'll eat it and spew everywhere.