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Unix Humor  Ha! Ha! Ha! Send This to a friend! 10,619 hits
Rated: G     


Submitted by: Engebret Tangnes
Date Added: 7/24/2000
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NOTE :

% => user must run C- Shell (csh).
$ => user must run Bourne-Shell (sh).

% who is my match?
No match.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% "How would you rate Reagan's senility?
Unmatched ".

% 'thou shalt not commit adultery'
thou shalt not commit adultery: Command not found.

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Missing ].
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?

Too many ('s.
% If I had a ) for every dollar Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many )'s.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% ^How did the^sex change operation go?
Modifier failed.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% %Vice-President
%Vice-President: No such job.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% date me
You are not superuser: date not set Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988

% make bottle.open
Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop.

% make 'heads or tails of all this'
Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.

% make light
Make: Don't know how to make light. Stop.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% make mistake
Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop.

% make sense
Make: Don't know how to make sense. Stop.

% man rear
No manual entry for rear.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% rm -i God
rm: remove God? y

% ls God
God not found

% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent

% * How would you describe George Bush
*: Ambiguous.

% ls Meese-Ethics
Meese-Ethics not found

% cp /dev/null sex;chmod 000 sex
% more sex
sex: Permission denied
% mv sex show
% strip show
strip: show: Permission denied

% set i="Democratic_Platform";mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i
Democratic_Platform unreadable

% awk "Polly, the ship is sinking"
awk: syntax error near line 1
awk: bailing out near line

-----------------------------------------------------------------
% sh

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create

$ test my argument
test: too many arguments

$ "Amelia Earhart"
Amelia Earhart: not found

$ man -kisses dog
dog: nothing appropriate

$ mkdir "Yellow Pages";fiYellow Pages
$ mkdir matter;cat > matter
matter: cannot create

$ lost
lost: not found

$ found
found: not found

$ i=Hoffa ;>$i ;$i ;rm $i ;rm $i
Hoffa: cannot execute
rm: Hoffa nonexistent

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The following ones don't work on BSD 4.3, so I suppose that they are stuff from ATT SysV or some other such:

% strip bra
bra: Cannot open

% sccs what bottle
can't open bottle (26)

$ cat "door: paws too slippery"
can't open door: paws too slippery

$ cat food_in_tin_cans
cat: can't open food_in_tin_cans

Whenever I sense someone looking over my shoulder I type in one of the above. And, of course, I keep a file in my home directory called README which contains the following line for snoopers:

cat: README: not found


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